S3E15 - "Left Behind"

Ah yes, this is the part of the series where all the apocalyptic Christian mythology enters the picture.  Featuring special guest star Kirk Cameron!

01:35  Gonna whack her with a pool cue.  Oh, snap!  Juliet knows Jeet Kun Do!

03:13  Sawyer's woman is hooking up with Kate now.  I mean, for a con, not for sexy lovin'.  Well, maybe.  Who knows!

05:49  Alright, what the hell's going on with Locke now?  He's leaving but he's not leaving?  I don't get it.

07:52  Aww, Sawyer doesn't want to be banished.  You can see it in his eyes.  Those beady little eyes.

09:04  I hope that's not sarin gas.

11:53  The Others exiled Juliet!  Take that, you . . . person.

14:48  Dang, Kate's got a tiny wrist.

16:30  I bet that's whatsername, not Kate.

16:45  Yup.

19:41  "Ben has a thing for mind games."  I mean, it's definitely underrated, but still doesn't measure up to the brilliance of Plastic Ono Band or Imagine.
 

20:18  Whoa, hold up, chick-fight, in the rain, with handcuffs!

21:51  They just got flashed.  Ha!  Get it?

23:58  "I don't . . . like . . . blankets."  Smooth, Sawyer.

25:29  Aww, you broke his heart.  Big deal.

29:19  Kate's mom is kind of a bitch.  I mean, yeah, her husband got murdered, but on the other hand, he was an alcoholic that beat the shit out of her, so . . . .

31:10  First a catfight in the rain, now they're both covered in mood. 

31:59  So the bitch had a key to the cuffs the whole time? And what was this sonic reducer shit about?  Are they inside it or outside it?  Does it only kill you if you're right in between two of the pylons?  Stupid-ass brain exploders.
 

33:47  Ha, Hurley can pull off a con, too.  Nice one, Hugo.

38:36  Aww, Jack's showing his crushie-poo on Juliet.

41:42  B b b but where's Locke?

41:59  Sayid doesn't trust Juliet, and neither do I.

S3E14 - "Expose"

I could dick around and get the proper accent over the second E in the episode title, but that would take effort which I am quite frankly not willing to expend.  Fuck you, French!  Now, prepare yourself for the biggest steaming pile of shitty TV you've seen since the last episode of The New Girl.  You know, they really could have made this a good little stand-alone episode, if they'd had a writer who seemed like he gave half a shit.  The plot is a perfect excuse to pull a neo-noir Twilight Zone / Tales from the Crypt type tale.  But no, they just bunt that shit instead.  Guh.

00:07  Oh great, what's the new bitch running from?

01:29  Billy Dee!  (Works every time).
 

01:39  This is whatever lame TV show John was watching in the last episode.  I guess Nikki is a shitty actress of some sort.

02:11  Haha, and Billy Dee Williams is playing himself.  Fuck yeah!

03:36  She's not hurt, she's just doing some bad acting.

03:59  Or she's dead.  "The hell's Nikki?"  Beautiful.  Sawyer is like the Deadpool of LOST.

06:01  Did they team up to murder this dude, or was this just the most convenient heart attack ever?

07:37  Is this some sort of Ulysses or Pynchonesque thing where this episode is written and acted in the style of the shitty TV show Nikki was in?  Because this is the most contrived fucking bullshit episode I have seen, and it's not even ten minutes in.  OH GREAT AND NOW SHANNON AND BOONE SHOW BACK UP, MAKING IT THAT MUCH BETTER.

10:26  Hey, it's Doctor Doctor!  For all of five seconds.

11:19  Paulo's dead too.  Alright, my two least favorite characters are gone.  Well, I mean, not counting Jack.

15:41  I doubt he actually discovered 20 new species.  We're expected to believe he's memorized every species on earth?  Bah!

18:00  Oh yeah, they discovered the Pearl hatch?  Thpppt.  This is stupid as hell.

22:12  "Then who dragged me into the jungle?"  Uh, er, certainly not Charlie, that's for sure.

23:05  Two pieces of Nicorette?  Whoa there, Keith Richards, slow down!

27:07  I bet Sawyer got her pregnant, that's why she was yelling.

31:44  A little bag of diamonds.  The cheapest MacGuffin in the world. 

35:13  "Because Jin would murder you, Roundeye."

38:05  Oh great, so they're not dead?  Or are they dead now because they were buried alive.  Anyway, wouldn't the lack of moisture to their eyes have blinded them both by now anyway?

41:32  Well, that was a nice ending.  Too bad the rest of the episode was some horseshit.  Fuck it.  Next!

S3E13 - "The Man from Tallahassee"

05:53  Locke should have answered "Three.  I have three kidneys."

09:19  Look at Jack, tinklin' the ivories.  (That's also what I call it when I go pee.)

10:04  Wow, Kate, way to get captured again almost immediately.

11:28  Locke wants to be Captain Nemo.

16:51  Oh dear, Locke wants to blow up the submarine.  Kind of a dick move, isn't it?

That can't be good for his sperm count.

18:49  You can tell Jack is cool because he sits on a chair backwards like A. C. Slater.

22:21  Not believing Jack is actually going to get off the island.  Kind of wish he would, though.

23:40  Uh oh, I think John's daddy killed Peter Talbot.

26:48  How can you not appreciate chicken?  You let me down, Locke.

29:02  "Because - you're in the wheelchair, and I'm not."  Snip snap!  (There should totally be a clip from Frisky Dingo of Awesome X and Killface doing "snip snap" but the only thing I could find on youtube was some machinima bullshit so just imagine I put it here okay?)

33:05  I don't believe him.  Then again, he may be totally planning on letting everyone go, except Locke's going to explode the submarine.

34:19  Kabewm!

36:16  Holy shit, that is definitely not how I expected Locke's back to get broken.

37:19  "I don't wanna hear about what you can't do."  A nice variation on the Locke Mantra there.

38:46  Hey, there's the dude that recruited Juliet.  Good to see he's on the island too.

40:30  Is Ben gonna open up a door and show Locke his father?  (Locke's father, that is.  Not Ben's.  Who cares about Ben's father?)

41:18  The lack of eyebrows is still freaking me out, man.

Gaze into the abyss.

42:07  Called it.  Locke's dad.