1) What the fuck was up with Libby?
You remember Libby, right? The psychologist who was going to make a man out of Hurley before she got gut-shot by Michael and died. Turns out, not only was she the one who gave Desmond his boat, but she was later in the same insane asylum as Hurley, watching him! Creepy, huh? The girl seemingly obsessed with Hurley, mumbling to herself and looking haggard, later becomes his love interest on the island. Are there ulterior motives? Why was she in the nuthouse? I'm glad you asked, because fuck you. You don't get to find out. Even though Libby appears once or twice later on, it's nothing useful or even remotely interesting.
2) Why wasn't Aaron needed on the second flight?
Actually, the second flight raises a number of questions that aren't answered, but as these are Season 6 questions, I didn't really expect answers. By the third or fourth episode of the final season, I figured the writers and producers had just given up and would have written an episode where Locke sat there waving his dick and flipping the bird while singing "Fuck you, stupid audience!" for an hour if the censors would have allowed it.
Oh yeah, but back to the unanswered questions. Supposedly everybody has to get back on the island, otherwise whatever they're trying to do won't work. (We later find out that there's really nothing to do, and actually getting back to the island is what causes shit to go to hell in the first place.) Yet out of the Oceanic Six, there's one person conspicuously absent. Who is it? Why, little Aaron, of course! Then again, Ben changes his mind from "everyone must be on the plane" to "er, I mean only as many as possible," so the writers built themselves a nice little backdoor explanation. Even then, Mrs. Hawking says all six are needed. But fuck her too, I guess!
3) Why weren't Sun, Ben, and Locke thrown into the past like the Jack, Kate, and Hurley?
When you ask a question like this, the fanboys (and fangirls - I'm looking at you, K.) will inevitably do the same thing the producers did with the entire series - handwave it away as "Because the island/Jacob/The Man in Black." Because he what? Did it. Or wanted it. Or made it want to be did. Whatever. Anyway, there's no real reason, they just wanted it that way.
4) Speaking of going back to the island, what was up with Ilana's busted face? And how did she know Jacob?
That's not important. What's important is the characters' personal journeys! At least that's what K told me. I told her that anyone who thinks that is a fucking idiot. She didn't seem to happy with that comment. So I told her that her cat was a piece of shit and that her parents were disappointed in her. She stopped responding.
5) What really caused the original plane crash? Desmond and the Incident, or Jacob?
This is another one where the fans will just hand-wave and say "Oh, Jacob did it by causing Desmond to cause the incident to cause the plane crash." To that, I pull out my dick and urinate. Seriously, they didn't need to make it so fucking complicated. They could have retconned that shit in fifty different ways, and opted for the airy-fairy God Figure story. Boring and dull and more played-out than this fucking blog. For shit, man. For shit.
6) Okay, now, wait a second. If Jack is dead and the only one experiencing Dick Angeles, then how in the God fuck of Western Europe is Desmond able to see into the "flash-sideways" alternate timeline?
"Oh," say the producers, "Um. We, uh . . . You see, it's because Jacob. . . uh . . . electromag. . . . uh. . . Who gave you this number?" Yeah, explain that one, motherfuckers! When Widmore's folks throw Desmond in the magneto trailer because he's the only one able to withstand the intense barrage of electromagnetism and isn't wearing any metal (apparently he has special 501s tailor-made with all velcro and no rivets,) he sees the alternate reality. This didn't seem like a problem, at first. In fact, it was one of the few things at all post-season five that made sense at first glance. So, of course, they go and fuck it up by making the alternate reality not an alternate reality at all, but merely the afterlife. Nobody is experiencing it except Jack, because it's his afterlife. So how can Desmond see it? Unless Desmond is actually God. And if God exists, and he's a Scot, we are all fucked.
And now, the big question . . .
7) So who the fuck were the Others?
Let's try to simplify the non-crash-survivor narrative a little bit (I know, I know, funny joke, but for real guys I'm serious here). First there were Jacob and the Man in Black. Then came Alpert. Fair enough. Somewhere between then and the Dharma Initiative, the population on the island grew quite a bit. This is ostensibly the doings of Widmore and his people, who found out about the island . . . somehow. Eventually, the Others get around to killing the Dharma folks, and take over their barracks. Then, they start using their stations to do . . . what, exactly? The baby thing is explained as trying to figure out why pregnant women die on the island. (Maybe it has to do with all that electromagnetism, you ever think of that, doctors and scientists?) But it would just be easier to bring in more people to the island, right? Another area we see is the brainwashing room, but that was a Dharma thing, so what's the point of using it against little Carl?
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| Pictured: A different Carl. |
Finally, we come to one of the most important unanswered questions in all the series. Sort of an offshoot of, "So what the fuck was the island, anyway?" Rather, I ask you, What was up with all the Egypt shit? It existed long before Allison Janney dicked-up the island, apparently, and was important enough for Dharma to put on the countdown clock, but it seems tied in more to the Others than Dharma. There's a goddamn temple inside a fortress with hieroglyphics all around it, but we're not told anything about it. What's more, we find out far too late that it's inhabited by a bunch of goddamn savage mystics who all dress like shipwreck survivors (uhm. . . ) and don't mix with the rest of the Others who live civilized lives and steal babies.
Yes, Pink Floyd, what is Uh The Deal? Let me tell you a little story. Well, not even a story, more like a minor anecdote. I remember hearing about how shitty LOST had become by the fifth season, and seeing people argue about whether or not the producers had any idea of what was really going on. I did some research - as much as I could without spoiling the series for myself - and found that even the producers themselves disagreed on it. What I mean is, different sources would quote different people who worked on the show as either saying, "Oh yes, we have a master plan and have the whole time," or "Nah, we're making this shit up as we go along."
People still debate this, but to me it's blatantly obvious (or is that redundant?): These motherfuckers didn't have any goddamn clue. They just came up with new shit every week, regardless of whether or not it was brilliant or completely ridiculous. It's especially obvious in the sixth season, which is basically (as I said above) just various permutations of the people left on the island running back and forth between Locke and Widmore. There should have been no sixth season. Every episode should have been replaced with a montage of Sawyer calling people stupid nicknames and saying "Son of a!" As it stands, fuck this shit. I need something to wash the metaphorical taste out of my mouth.
I think I'll just go read a nice book.
