Summing Up Season Six and the Infamous Final Episode

So what did I think of LOST?  Well, overall, I think it was a great show.  At least at the beginning.  It started off strong, had a really weak period right in the middle of the third season, and got good again for the fourth.  Then in season five, shit started going way downhill, and never recovered.  All of season six was pretty terrible.  And the series finale?  What the fuck.  What.  The.  Fuck.  A LOST fangirl I talk to sometimes, let's call her K., told me "But the show isn't about all the weird mysteries - it's about the characters!"  Well, then, I guess that was the big problem, eh?  I didn't give a fuck about half the characters.  They were all dicks.  I wanted to know what happened to the Dharma Initiative, where the Others came from, and what all the latter-day experiments were about!  Who gives a shit about Jack's daddy issues?  Or Jin's daddy issues?  Or Locke's daddy issues?  (Okay, okay, Locke's back-story was pretty cool, I admit.) 

So why did everybody (including myself) hate the finale so much?  Here's my take on it.  In the season five finale, Juliet makes the bomb go off, and we have a big boom.  All of the sudden, there are two realities!  In one, life goes on as usual on Dick Island.  Well, okay, after they adjust the wheel in order to stop the time-skips.  In the other, the island is underground and it's 2004 and the Oceanic 815 lands as normal.  Except this time, Desmond's on the plane!  (Because he is not in the hatch, you see.)

Make sense so far?  Okay, so the deal is, somehow, Desmond and Faraday both know that this is an alternate reality, but they're the only ones.  Why them?  Because in the Real Reality, Desmond's been exposed to the electromagnetic whatsits a whole bunch.  So has Faraday, in his own time-travel experiments at Oxford.  Or was it Cambridge?  Oxbridge.  Whatever.  Okay, so far so good, I can actually get into this, maybe.  Meanwhile, back on the Island . . . I dunno, some shit about Jacob and the guy the fan sites call the Man in Black.  We'll get to all that later.  Right now we're talking about Alternate Los Angeles.  Or, as I like to call it:  Dick Angeles.

Now, many of the people from the island have similar lives in Dick Angeles:  Kate is still running from the pigs, Jack is still a doctor with a dead daddy, Hurley still won the lottery.  Wait, Hurley won the lottery, even without being in an asylum and having the numbers?  Yes.  But dig this: instead of constant bad luck, he's always having good luck!  LOL!  Can you believe it?  I know!  Also, Sawyer is a cop!  And Miles is his partner!  And he runs into Kate, realizes she's running from the cops, but lets her go!  And also, Desmond is working for Widmore!  But doesn't know Widmore has a daughter!  And ends up having to baby-sit a smacked-out Charlie!  Also Locke and Bernard and a bunch of other connections that are obviously forced because god dammit we have to end this show in 16 episodes!

So the rest of the Dick Angeles storyline involves Desmond trying to get everyone together for a special Faraday and Drive Shaft concert at some church.  Why?  Well, uh, because that's what's supposed to happen, apparently.  They never really tell us.  Or show us.  Everyone thinks Desmond is crazy, until they meet someone they had a strong connection with on the island, and then they get flashbacks of their time on the island and suddenly go, "Okay, I'm with you, Scottish hippie!"  Long story short, they end up at the church, and it turns out it's for Jack's dad's funeral.  But then Jack goes to open the coffin, and his dad's not there!  Oh no, whatever could be going on?  Eh, not much.  Jack's dad shows up and is like "You're dead, Jack.  All these people are here so you could say goodbye.  I think.  The producers aren't too clear on this one.  They just kind of told me to show up so we could have a melodramatic happy ending."

Meanwhile, back on Dick Island, we learn the story of Jacob and the Man in Black.  Turns out that hundreds of years ago, Allison Janney was stuck on this island alone.  One day, there's a shipwreck, and some sexy Spaniard woman washes up on shore, pregnant.  She gives birth to twins, Jacob, and the Man in Black.  Why didn't the Man in Black have a name?  Because the woman didn't know she was having twins.  Allison Janney says "Fuck it," and decides to just call him "Kid" or something, we don't know.  Jacob goes along with his mom's whole "This is the only place in the world, there's nothing else out there, and even if there was, it's all bad stuff."  But the Man in Black thinks this is stupid, and eventually goes out to live with a group of people who wash up on the island and build a life.

Somewhere in this, there's a stream flowing into a cave that's full of light.  This is where Good Shit comes from.  Good Shit?  Yes, all of the good in the world.  All of it.  So Man in Black and his friends find all these pockets of electromagnetic activity and MiB builds a wheel so he can try to harness it.  This pisses Jacob off, and . . . you know, I don't even remember the details now, it was so ridiculous.  In no particular order, Jacob drinks from the Special Stream which gives him his magic powers.  Allison Janney kills everyone in the village that MiB has learned to know and love, so he kills Allison Janney.  This pisses of Jacob, so he throws MiB into the cave, where he's turned into a smoke monster.  But by the 20th century, Jacob's gotten bored (or something) so he spends all his life directing the Oceanic 815 people's lives so that they'll get on that plane, it will crash, and he can pick one of them to take over his job.

Whew!  Got that?  Wait - it gets even more ridiculous.

So now in 2007, three years after the crash, and a bunch of people are back on the island again.  There are some survivors of the original crash, what's left of the Others, and a group of people who have been sworn by Jacob to protect the island who come in and basically start kicking ass.  Oh, and Widmore shows up again.  Locke's dead, and his body has been taken over by the Man in Black, who is trying to get off the island, and is apparently evil.  (We know he's evil because he's killed slightly more people than Jacob.)  The Man in Locke cons Ben into killing Jacob, and then the rest of the season basically follows various permutations of the remaining islanders as they run back and forth between Locke and Widmore, unable to decide who's the good guy. 

More people die, all the story I've just related in the past couple paragraphs gets revealed, and there's a final showdown between the Man in Locke and Jack, because Desmond's done something in the Magic Cave so that Locke isn't impervious to danger anymore.  See, Jack decided he was going to take over from Jacob.  He drinks the magic water, but then realizes he has to kill the Man in Locke, so he makes Hurley drink, and now Hurley's taking over.  Desmond does his thing, Jack kills Locke, but whatever Desmond did got rid of all the Good and now the island is falling apart.  So Jack goes into the cave, gets Desmond out, fixes the problem, and dies in there.  We later see him smashed up against the same rock the Man in Black was smashed up against earlier, leading us to assume he's become the Smoke Monster now, I guess.  But then we flash over to Dick Angeles for the final scene where we find out he's dead, and then flash back to the island he wakes up in the same field of bamboo he woke up in back in the very first episode, so he's dead and the Smoke Monster. 

And, uh, that's about it, really.  We get a 12 minute special episode on the DVD that tells us that Hurley and Ben are pals, working on the island together, and go to grab Walt out of an insane asylum so he can take over for Hurley.  Wait, what?  Yeah, Walt's crazy, apparently.  And Hurley's sick of being the island's caretaker even though it's only been a few months, a year at most.  So, hey, there you go, the show is over, and nothing was resolved except a few things nobody really gave a shit about to begin with.  Do we learn what happened to everyone else?  Nah, not really.  Do we learn all the interesting stuff about the island's mysteries?  Pffft, no, are you kidding?  So what did we learn?

We learn that from day one, from Allison Janney on down, this has truly been an Island of Dicks.

S6 Epilogue - "The New Man in Charge"

This shit was put online and then added to the Season 6 DVD.  It's supposed to answer questions that the viewers had, and it kind of does.  But only answers to the dumb questions nobody cared about.

01:48  Hey, an actual explanation of something!  Oh, and look, they're toying with the viewers.  "We deserve answers!"

04:02  Hybrid birds.  Hur hur hur. 

05:55  Dharma kidnapped Hostiles. Mmmkay.  But where did the Hostiles come from?

08:24  Walt's crazy now?  Nice.  No, wait. . . what's the word?  Oh yeah:  Fuckin' dumb.

11:18  I half expect the VW to hit 88 miles per hour and leave two fiery tire tracks.

Yes, the best picture I could come up with to symbolize this mini-episode is a picture of an old-ass lookin' Brett Favre making a jerk-off motion with his stupid dumb hands.

S6E17 - "The End (Part 2)"

00:01  You can tell things are getting tense because it's raining real hard.

01:38  Did he really just do a running jump-punch?  This is LOST, not the fuckin' X-Men.
 

Before we fight, I need to dance!

RARRRR I AM ANGRY MAN IN BLACK LOCKE FIGHT ME

Okay I will do my Wolverine pose.  SNIKT!

Wolvie did it better.  And Locke is no Hulk.

Wait a minute, Jack, are you attacking the ground now?  What the fuck!

Yes, they even had time to cut to commercial and Jack is still in the process of jumping.  What a puss.

02:44  Oh shit, Jack got fucked up with that knife.

03:16  Ha!  What a Dirty Harry line.  "I saved ya a bullet!"
 

Dost though sense fortuitousness, knave?

08:00  Sure don't look like it's over, either.  Besides, there's more than 40 minutes left.

11:29  Aww, Kate's cryin'.  Poor little stupid-ass Kate.

14:46  There's no way Sawyer could get his arm up in that machine, they've got anti-theft devices to prevent that exact maneuver.  Believe me, I know this.

21:03  Okay, but why Hurley?  I mean, he's a nice guy and all, but . . . why?

22:49  Now Hurley's like Jack?  Hmm, he doesn't look like a total fuckin' douchebag.

27:11  Ha ha, y'all's gonna be abandoned on the stupid island.

31:17  Okay, so Jack managed to turn the water back on.  Great.

35:00  I'm just going to ignore the fact that if Locke really had been in a wheelchair for so many years, his legs would be completely atrophied and there's no way he would be able to stand up, much less get out of his damn chair and walk.

40:31  I hope he opens up the coffin and his dad's a vampire.

43:21  what

44:12  uh

44:55  Find . . . but . . . when?  After what?  Which parts really happened?

49:17  Hey, it's a dog.  And Jack's still on the island.  So, uh . . . hmm.

50:39  Okay, I guess he died there.  Whatever.  Fuck this shit, I'm gonna go watch cartoons.

S6E16 - "The End (Part 1)"

04:32  Kate's making fun of the name "Christian Shephard," just like I did.

09:37  Wassup, smacked-out Charlie?

11:54  "Oh WELL"!  Get it! 

15:24  Rose and Bernard are pretty much the only likeable people left on the island, so let's just hope they make it out okay.  Whatever "making it out" means.

18:22  McCoughnadickname:  "Enos."  But he's used that one before.

21:36  And boosh, all of the sudden they can speak English.  Oh silly LOST.

22:03  McCoughnadickname:  "Bigfoot."

24:21  Alpert has become mortal!  And at the worst possible time, too.

28:26  Juliet is the kid's mom, eh?  So then the island had something to do with Jack not marrying Julie Bowen?  How does that make any sense?  Who knows!

34:09  God dammit, it's Boone and his stupid bitch sister.

39:12  Damn, Jack's son is taller than Claire.

41:10  Table 23.  Because numbers.

43:24  Alright, so who built all this shit around the superpower water hole?

43:45  Finally, the Quickening!
 

Much better than Highlander 5:  The Slowening.

44:32  Oh way to go, jackass, you put out the light!
 

Another Jackass whose light was put out far too soon.

45:46  Aw hell, Locke's mortal again too!  Er, the Man in Locke.  Whatever.

47:50  See, look, Kate is delivering Claire's baby with the help of Charlie. Just like on the island!

51:44  The island is being a dick now itself!  Maybe that was the twist.  Instead of Dicks on an Island, it was a Dick Island the whole time!