S3E14 - "Expose"

I could dick around and get the proper accent over the second E in the episode title, but that would take effort which I am quite frankly not willing to expend.  Fuck you, French!  Now, prepare yourself for the biggest steaming pile of shitty TV you've seen since the last episode of The New Girl.  You know, they really could have made this a good little stand-alone episode, if they'd had a writer who seemed like he gave half a shit.  The plot is a perfect excuse to pull a neo-noir Twilight Zone / Tales from the Crypt type tale.  But no, they just bunt that shit instead.  Guh.

00:07  Oh great, what's the new bitch running from?

01:29  Billy Dee!  (Works every time).
 

01:39  This is whatever lame TV show John was watching in the last episode.  I guess Nikki is a shitty actress of some sort.

02:11  Haha, and Billy Dee Williams is playing himself.  Fuck yeah!

03:36  She's not hurt, she's just doing some bad acting.

03:59  Or she's dead.  "The hell's Nikki?"  Beautiful.  Sawyer is like the Deadpool of LOST.

06:01  Did they team up to murder this dude, or was this just the most convenient heart attack ever?

07:37  Is this some sort of Ulysses or Pynchonesque thing where this episode is written and acted in the style of the shitty TV show Nikki was in?  Because this is the most contrived fucking bullshit episode I have seen, and it's not even ten minutes in.  OH GREAT AND NOW SHANNON AND BOONE SHOW BACK UP, MAKING IT THAT MUCH BETTER.

10:26  Hey, it's Doctor Doctor!  For all of five seconds.

11:19  Paulo's dead too.  Alright, my two least favorite characters are gone.  Well, I mean, not counting Jack.

15:41  I doubt he actually discovered 20 new species.  We're expected to believe he's memorized every species on earth?  Bah!

18:00  Oh yeah, they discovered the Pearl hatch?  Thpppt.  This is stupid as hell.

22:12  "Then who dragged me into the jungle?"  Uh, er, certainly not Charlie, that's for sure.

23:05  Two pieces of Nicorette?  Whoa there, Keith Richards, slow down!

27:07  I bet Sawyer got her pregnant, that's why she was yelling.

31:44  A little bag of diamonds.  The cheapest MacGuffin in the world. 

35:13  "Because Jin would murder you, Roundeye."

38:05  Oh great, so they're not dead?  Or are they dead now because they were buried alive.  Anyway, wouldn't the lack of moisture to their eyes have blinded them both by now anyway?

41:32  Well, that was a nice ending.  Too bad the rest of the episode was some horseshit.  Fuck it.  Next!