This episode is named, of course, after a track from Weezer's Pinkerton, in which lead singer and songwriter Rivers Cuomo masturbates while imagining himself fucking an underage Japanese girl. (Note to Rivers Cuomo fanboys and girls - though the lyrics state that she's eighteen, Cuomo put that in there just to tone down the creep-factor, and in numerous interviews has stated that she was closer to fourteen.) Yes, a song just creepy enough that even the pedophiles were like, "Hey, wait a minute, that's pretty racist, isn't it?" Well, karma got the better of Mr. Cuomo, and he hasn't come up with a decent album since. It's just been one shitty shit album after another . The actor who played Hurley even showed up on the cover of a Weezer shit-fest entitled . . . Hurley. It was their tenth alb - tenth album? Who keeps buying this shit? Racist pedophiles, I guess. Fuck Rivers Cuomo.
00:20 Wait, who's this new bitch rising up out of the water all the sudden?
01:35 I'd be scared too if I ran into a makeup-less Allison Janney on a jungle island and she started speaking - what, Latin in a Californian accent? - to my ass.
02:41 "Every question I answer will simply lead to another question" seems to be the mantra of this show.
04:01 Okay, so Jacob's mom is some random shipwrecked chick. Is that important? Oh wait here comes another one! I wonder who it is! Certainly not the Man in Black!
04:55 She even swaddles one in white and one in a dark color. How . . . blatant.
05:28 So, from the very beginning, this was an Island of Dicks.
09:17 "The island is all there is" sounds vaguely Wittgensteinian.
14:08 Eh, alright, glowing light, whatever. But how did Allison stupid Janney know about it?
17:43 Damn, Jacob, you're the bad one! Baddy bad-bad!
21:12 I'm going to go ahead and assume that they never explain how Jacob and his brother age normally until they hit thirty or forty and then stop. Or why Allison Janney doesn't age either. Because this is LOST, and explaining is for fags, apparently.
28:09 Do it! Do it just to spite Allison Janney!
29:10 Bitch tried to kill him! Damn! See what I'm saying? Ain't nothing good about no Allison Janney.
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| Okay, I did really like Juno, though. |
33:52 See? Ruthless, vicious Allison Janney.
38:40 Alrighty, so being thrown into the Cave of Light somehow turned dude into the smoke monster. Eh, sure. I'll accept that, I guess.
41:33 Yet all of this still doesn't explain the temple or the hieroglyphics or the damn statue. But hey, at least we learned . . . something?
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